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the girl all those love songs aren't about
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[29 Jun 2005|12:41pm] |
okay so im back. and im adjusting like crazy. it seems like everybody's leaving now and im just kind of out of the loop. im totally not sure how to feel about everything, but in ways its pretty good to be back.
so to explain something that probably seems really weird to all of you. youve probably seen me hanging out with this guy alot lately whos kind of quiet and stuff and younger than me. well were not together or anything so chill out people. if youve ever read the perks of being a wallflower were almost comparible to sam and charlie. i haven't connected with someone like this since i met ian back when i was 16, he's exactly like me except a guy. weve become really close friends in a short amount of time and he's come to mean a lot to me and me to him. he's my best friend at this moment. i just hope all of you aren't making weird stuff up in your heads about us.
ive been trying to get a job at t-mobile. ive been throwing away bags and bags of stuff out of my room trying to get organized and moved in/ready to move out. i love the redmond kids. i love brett and jake and ashley and brittany. i dont really want to type a ton of stuff in here just let you guys know im home or whatnot. things are different. feel free to call me anytime.
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[01 Jun 2005|03:48pm] |
when i get back to oregon todd and i will rock your socks off. keith and i will be madly in love and go everywhere together and dress the same and talk the same and call each other "baby" and listen to good bands together. kaylin and i will go on road trips. i will have my own apartment. and i will try not to be sad. im so excited.
last night i saw tilly and the wall with ryan and it was everything i could have dreamed of. they're really nice kids. during their set the bass player said "i just want to say all you girls here have really cute hair" then she pointed at me and said "especially you, the fan is blowing on you and you look like a model!" then everyone in the whole freaking place looked at me and this guy next to me is like "im standing by the model!!!" then they played the song i yelled out for their encore. i danced danced danced danced danced. after the show she came up and gave me a big hug and the keyboard player took a picture of us. i haven't had that much fun in a long time. time to go back to work now.
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[31 May 2005|02:17pm] |
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sometimes being crazy is the only way to stay sane. am i really crazy? is it just me, amplified? i love more than i should love and when something goes wrong i obsess over it, screaming, crying, laughing so hard you feel like you gained muscle mass in your stomach, cutting, running away from, running to, giving up, giving in. growing up. im not sure how things have changed down here, i mean, i haven't changed but i know im not the same in a sense. the neighbor said i walk differently than when i first came down, with more confidence. more bounce in my step, i can go to work, even if i end up shaking in a corner on my break i can function there and do a good job. i came to get away from things that were making me crazy and i found new things to make me crazy. the difference was that i came upon them with a new perspective, they didnt' have a previous grip on me. i took them as they came and left them as they went. some things were harder to get over. i still dont know my diagnosis, depression, borderline, co dependent. something like that, 100mg zoloft, therapy, environment change, cured. cured enough to go "home" and face whatever i couldn't face before. but i never really was crazy, i just needed to grow up some, and i still need to grow up a lot more. joel said something to me the other day that made things seem better. i asked him what i should do and he said something like just go be on your own for awhile, have fun, party, earn money and youll figure out the rest later. that's the first time someone ever told me that was okay. im only twenty, i dont know why im worrying so much. i already have some college under my belt and some heartbreak experience and a support system. i'll see you all in june. so many strange things have happened lately, my little brother got into a crapload of trouble involving and ambulance and suspension and all kinds of madness. but i can't talk about what really happened to anyone becuase he asked me not to. it worries me though. ive been trying to get this guy for so long and a couple nights ago he came over and it felt so good to lie next to him and watch a movie, things went way too far, he wants to be friends, doesnt' wnat to ruin the friendship. but its hard to let go of something i wanted so much, i just keep replaying things, i havent slept more than a handful of hours in the last few days. i dont know whats going on, i feel like im going crazy again, but i know things really make sense and im just indulging in self destruction again. and i dont really mind this time. it only feels bad becuasce everyone else says it is. my best friends mom passed away and i can't get a hold of her and i dont know how to feel, i dont need to feel anything, i just want her to be okay, i want to be there with her and hold her and take her out to do fun things so she doesn't feel alone.
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[30 May 2005|04:10am] |
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lets be friends. ive heard it so many times. ive got plenty of friends. lets be friends because im dissapointed with who you are now from who i thought you were in the beginning, lets be friends because im afraid to love you, lets be friends because we kissed and i dont want to have to call you every night from now on, lets be friends because i liked kissing you but not only you, lets be friends because im afraid that if i am with you then after awhile i wont want to be anymore and then i'll never see the good parts of you again, lets be friends because last night was nice but youre not really worth anything more than that to me, lets be friends because im too scared to jump in, lets be friends becuase you jumped in too fast, lets just be friends. youre afraid of ruining our friendship because of what we did. but that's what i want anyway, i just want to be friends, i want to do all the fun things weve been doing, but i still want to kiss you and run my hand over your stomach as we watch movies with your arm around me, why is labeling things so scary? just hang out with me, just be my friend, just kiss me, just stay over tonight, our time is running out and your eyes have never looked so blue. the funny thing is that ive had too many heartbreaks over just being friends. not much can be more of a let down than the time surrounding my 20th birthday, but sometimes i just feel like im not cut out to be more than a friend or a makeout buddy to anyone. i dont understand... sometimes its nice not to understand, but its raining and theres thunder and lightning outside and i wish you could have stayed a lot longer than you did, maybe i could ignore the fact that were just friends for now. for now. for now youre at your house, you went running away and i begged for a goodbye kiss hoping you hadn't changed your mind about things. time is running out...im sorry i made you late.
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[24 May 2005|09:31pm] |
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hey everybody, it seems that just as stuff is coming together in some ways down here ive also reached some dead ends. i need to come home and pack up all my stuff and move out if that means coming back to utah, staying in bend awhile, going to portland, or whatever i do. i'll be coming back soon. i was going to keep when i came back a secret (with the exception of the love of my life keith <3) so i could be anti social and productive instead, but i miss you guys too much and there's no way i could be back without getting some coffee because the coffee here sucks becuause it isn't with you. and vanilla somehow became the "normal" flavor. what does ice cream really taste like "plain" its like vanilla is this great flavor but its like so common its become "plain" maybe that's why they invented french vanilla. it tastes the same but its dyed more yellow colored so if you feel like youre too good for "plain" aka vanilla you can get french vanilla and somehow feel better about the fact that you didn't get some cool ice cream with peanut butter and chocolate chips in it for your party and you feel like you dont suck. wow. ive been working in a grocery store too much if im pondering things like this. but anyway, the point of this update is that I WILL BE COMING HOME SOMETIME AROUND JUNE 20TH. my dad's going to stay here for a family thing and then we are going up to oregon together. im going to pack up all my stuff, get a job, and get out of my house before it destroys me and makes me be like i was before i came down. im a lot different and its weird. but i still want to hang out and go to denny's and split the special with kaylin so i can have the bacon and eggs and she can have the fruit pancake because im allergic. and i want to see you guys that are graduating before you go to college, and i want to play music with my band again, and i want to straighten out my little brother, and show my mom how to cook, and paint my car with my dad, and see my grandparents there who are older than the ones here and i need to spend time with becuase sad as it is, they are going sooner. i want to see mo mo and milton and abby. i want to be with deanna because her mom just passed away and she's my best friend in the whole world and i want to be there with her when she needs me and i just miss her so much. i want to hear eric's heartfelt advice and cry and laugh with him and enjoy insane moments and eat hummus. i want to drink sparkling cider with bev on the playground, and i want to be in bend for the fourth of july becuase its my favorite holiday and it wont be the same anywhere else but in bend watching the butte catch on fire multiple times and making explosives with my friends and such. im going to miss some people here dearly though. mainly kristen ryan matt and mike. kristen understands so much, she's such a good person and so amazing, i admire her so much, she makes me want to be better, ryan makes me laugh and shows me music and were going to see tilly and the wall tuesday. i said "its a date" and he said "what, are you paying?" i love him. i kissed him on the cheek the other day a bunch of times and i think he thought it was weird haha. matt has these sweet eyes that light up and a really kind heart, im so lucky to have met him, were getting lunch tomorrow so we can get star wars toys. mike and i are way different but also the same (he's like my dad interest wise) weve talked hours and hours on the phone and he watched a movie over here the other night. we randomly hit it off, he's really cool. im making him chili and cornbread from scratch soon and were watching a movie. i want him to come to thanksgiving at my house. i really wish he could for real. im hungry, im going to go eat. i hope you guys will welcome me back and keep an open mind as to what i am like now and the things i want to do and my opinions on things and such, i love you all.
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[19 May 2005|12:27pm] |
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i am so completely screwed when it comes to money. im determined to take care of it myself but its hard when you only make 6 dollars an hour, they reduced your work hours for the last 3 weeks and you run out of every neccecity possible (shampoo, deodorant, toothpaste...) AND you sleep with earplugs in all night becuase the next day is trash day AND your neighbors are drilling in a new driveway AND you have to work at 11 when you closed the night before and your ears feel like your brain is going to spill out of them any second so you have to go buy cold medicine in hopes of draining whatever is making your ears feel like exploding and your cell phone bill is pending your payment and youre like okay i'll just send it when they mail me something becuase i cant go down there right now and pay it, then they shut off your phone when it hasn't even reached the shut off limit yet so your plans to pay it wednesday now mean no phone till wednesday. i dont understand anything, and i need money. i mean ive been like ASKING people to let me fill in for them (unless its eric becuase i dont want to close) i like scott very much. we hung out the other night and just drove around in the rain listening to "black out" by muse over and over and over on repeat, and he bought me a soda, and made fun of my driving becuase i was distracted by his blue eyes, and we laughed, and went to the record store, and i wanted to kiss him but he felt bad because he thought matt liked me and were both friends with matt. so he said "were just friends, for now." tacking on the last part of course gave me that little ounce of hope im always looking for. i guess he found out everything is cool with matt and that flirting with me is always okay. last night i told him it sucks for me, i dont know if he understands why. of course its fun for him becuase he knows how infatuated with him that i am and he can just torture me all he wants with it and never give in, but always lead on. yesterday he asked why i liked him, i declined for awhile then i told him in my stupid emo poetic way, i wonder if anyones ever said things like that to him, he smiled and said it was nice of me to say those things, i told him it took a lot of guts, he said he knew, and smiled again. then he went to sleep. today its going to suck walking into blockbuster to get my cd's back because im going to be all nervous about everything i said and in reality he'll probably be like "what are you talking about? oh yeah that, nah its cool" i missed my last counseling appointment. mike came over last night and we watched a movie and talked forever, it was nice.
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[10 May 2005|10:37am] |
i called my mom and asked her if she'd buy me a book that my counselor wanted me to read and she said yes and then she asked why there was a picture of me kissing kaylin in the computer at home.
i called ian night before last and we talked for over an hour. i apologized for so many things and he told me the real reason why he wasn't calling which was of course because if he did i'd never get over him. it was the first 100% real complete equal understanding from both of us that weve had in ages. because my mind was clear enough to tell him how things really are. im dependent upon him, somehow my void got filled by him for so long. the friendship we have now needs to die. i told him if he wanted to call me or write me i'd love to hear from him but that it was okay if he didn't because i didn't NEED him to do it anymore. and i wrote him one last letter. we know were going to be okay in the future and friends again. but the friendship we have in the future will be much much different. not the same at all, so i wonder how it will be. it was okay for me to talk to him because my head was clear that night but we agreed that we shouldn't probably talk unless its about something important until i get back to oregon because if we keep talking all the time i could go back to needing him again. im around the curve now but i can still see around the corner if i want to go back.
yesterday was matt's birthday and i made him a story on posterboard with candybars glued to it example: matt you are a BIG HUNK, thanks for visiting me when i get a FAST BREAK at work, its fun to hang out and be NERDS..... etc. he liked it and we talked about star wars and watched movie trailers for a long time and talked about books and movies we wanted to watch and books he was going to lend me when im done reading the one i borrowed last week. we talked on the poorch forever about getting in trouble when we were younger. like when his friends mom caught him looking at a penthouse that her son actually had and then they found it on her boyfriends table awhile later and when i pushed a boulder off on someone's barn when i was little. ryan and i are hanging out thursday and im so excited. he called me and read my ryan adams lyrics. he's like joel from eternal sunshine, i ask him why he likes some girl he likes and he said "i dont know, i guess she's nice" nice nice nice nice nice.... joel. ryan. im so glad ive found matt and ryan as friends, the are the best i could ask for. i just wish i didn't have to leave them, matt and i have discussed it, his family might actually move to the oregon coast in which case i'd probably get to see him alot becuase he'd move with them. and he said we could always keep in touch even if i moved which would be really cool. i dont know what to say to ryan though. i really dont. i wish i knew if i'd come back here someday or if i should be in oregon. i know i need to go back and at least try to move out for awhile and get my stuff together and cleaned out of my house and detatch from things. maybe i'll come back once everyone's gone to college and things. but i want to see some people before they go and i want to try to move out while im in a town im farmiliar with. i need to see all my doctors and some stuff that's in bend too. *sigh. i just dont know, i can always go wherever i want now which is nice, i'll just go back and try it and if it doesn't work out i'll go somewhere else.
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[08 May 2005|08:15pm] |
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so ive been reading the assload of material my counselor gave me on co dependency, self esteem, and battered women. its made me think (obviously) about myself and ive realized how far ive come since being here but ive wondered a few things. i know im still afraid of being abandoned, i cling to things rapidly and try desparately to seek the approval of others or to get them to keep sticking around. i know i feel bad about msyelf and let myself get used. but far less than in the past, ive actually been able to say no a few times lately that felt good. i wonder what things will be like when i get back though. the people i depended on ive been away from for so long that i wonder if they depended upon me too or if being with them will stagnate my growth and i'll end up in the same position as before. or if i will have outgrown them in some sense. i know i dont want to deal with stupid drama, i haven't missed that, i did hear about some things being said about me today which sucked a bit due to the fact that they were jestful things about a really negative experience that i in no way want to seem like a positive or amusing thing in any way, but it doesn't bother me. i just rolled my eyes at how stupid it is that someone felt the need to use something like that in a conversation, honestly. where does that get you? i dont have time for things like that. 4 months ago that experience might have left a permanent scar on my wrist, but those have all healed now. ive realized how dependent and unhealthy my relationship with ian was. it makes me feel so stupid for treating him and "loving" him the way i did. and when i think about us now, i really dont need to see him anymore. i wish he didnt' talk to me because he knew that me talking to him was unhealthy. but i know its just because he doesnt' care. he's probably trying to break apart too. if he did care he wouldn't say he loved me anymore, he'd just remind me some of the reasons i came here and tell me to call him when i got home or something. there are no good memories anymore. there were, i'll always have those, so i think i'll just quit trying to make new ones and clinging to him like a poisonous barnacle. he's getting to find this out in a letter that will be on his way soon. it hurts, but its a different kind of hurt. and it will be better than the slow kill ive been making on both of us for so long. i hate leaving here, i hate coming home, i dont know where the hell i belong. the goal of my counseling is to get me to figure out what i want and what i think disregarding what everyone else does and then once i find out what i want and think to do that and if someone has a problem with it then i can do it anyway and not feel bad becuase i know its what i want. everything is so irritating anymore. i talked to one friend today who put me in a great mood and got me so motivated and excited about changing and coming back and everything and then i called my parents and they shot it all down. so now i neeed to figure out where i am in that situation and do what i think i want to do. its hard to grow up, its hard to grow up when everyone thinks they know what you should be doing and they're trying to force you to do that, you hardly have anytime to think for yourself then youre expected to just think for yourself and go out and do something. it leaves you screwed. im afraid to leave my friends here and im afraid to come home to see how everything with those friends has changed and how things will be. i expect to be home in early july.
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[06 May 2005|11:42pm] |
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new therapist today. last one had 1 session with me, cancelled the next two then quit to go to law school. im used to this kind of stuff. usually i give up though and this time i at least had the balls to go make another appointment and try another counselor. she rocks. i can't even explain. i actually feel like this is going in some kind of direction this time she already said so many things to me that helped me immensely. i think it might be alright. this guy said he liked how i did my eye makeup and then ran into the file cabinet too which was amusing. i love my new friend matt, he took me to see sin city and he calls and texts often just to say hey and he actually visits me at work! zach and i bought a 2 pack of chapstick together called "shaka laka lip blocka" it burns and it feels nice. i like to hug zach and flirt with him. i also called one of the managers "babe" today. i think keith is rubbing off on me. oh by the way keith is my boyfriend now. were not going to make out or anything, were just going to go everywhere together and dress alike and talk alike and have matching cd collections and when i go into the kitchen i'll say "baby can i get you anything?" etc. its going to rock. and eric gastellum will be my brother and the 3 of us will get coffee and they can hold my tampons for me (ask eric). i love kaylin. jake your partying hard right now while im sitting here in my hello kitty pajamas missing you like hell. you had better keep in touch with all of us or i will hunt you down like a wild island native and spear you. i just saw the first mosquito of summer which sucks. i also decided to start saying words like "syrup" and "orange" the non redneck way. like how the kid in mean girls says "she asked me how to spell orange" not "ornjh" "ar-ange" something like that. it sounds cool. i love you bev sorry i forget to call you. i'll try to remember to not forget. i love you. and to my little sister thanks so much for all your encouragement.
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[05 May 2005|03:08pm] |
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my aunt maren got married. the reception was really nice, i was a wallflower. the photographer came up and took a picture of me in the corner while people talked at me and i just stared at the cake wondering what the hell im doing with my life. porter, tosh's brother asked me to dance. i felt really alone, i wish i could have spent more time with maren, really detatched from everything, i dont know if i'll be able to see her hardly ever now. nevertheless i was happy for her, really happy. everything was strange for a few days afterward given that it was my grandparents youngest child getting married. crying, not knowing how to settle back down into regular life. i think im on too much medication. all i feel like doing ever is sleeping or lying down. im so drained all the time i just feel like im sick but i dont think i am.. i told someone how much i was on and they were like taken aback. im going to try and lessen my dose i guess, im just afraid of having an "episode" again. but i think maybe im past that, occasionally shaky moments but nothing like what happened the few weeks before i left. i kind of feel like i got sent away to deal with things, that when i got back things would be the same. but i dont know how things will be or where i should be. i suppose everyplace i go i'll find people to be friends with and love, its just so hard to let go. i want to come back in july because i never detatched from bend. its strange to plan on going on a 3-4 week vacation somewhere then having it turn into a 6 month one and somehow forgetting about everything back there and living on what you brought here and trying to make a life for awhile while another is on the back of your mind all the time. i want to see ashley brett and brittany before they leave, i have so much more to know about brett and brittany, and i miss ashleys sense of humor. she's family, i'll always be in contact with her, but life is going to be different with school, she's going away for awhile sometime and i dont want to miss her growing up. i wish i could go to all of your graduations, ian ashley and natalie, ive seen them all growing up right after me, i want to hear their names and watch them walk up to the podium and have their few seconds where an entire stadium is focused completely on being so proud and happy for them and their future. natalie, i want to be there for you, im so glad you wrote that letter back to me, i wont give up on you ever i promise, i love you. ian... i dont know whether to stay away from you or just try to see if being around you is okay. i think ive gotten over you for the most part, i wont call you crying anymore, im sorry for making you feel bad for not returning my love, if you even did. maybe i just do it out of spite. i dont know who you are anymore. i dont know if you know who i am either. dont feel debted to me, love me, or not, youll always be my friend somehow even if its just a hello as i pass you by sometime because we grew up together in a sense, i think this is the first year that wasn't in the same direction. eric g. i love you so much, you have always called, always cared, always told me what i needed to hear, always made me laugh and cry, whichever i needed to do at the time, introduced me to new things, gave me a place i could go if i didn't want to be at home. you remain one of my very closest friends and always will, i love you. jesse carter, who knew we'd be friends sometime? i really dont know you very well and i wish that i did because i think you are amazing and i want to experience as much of that as i can. sometimes you dissapoint me or let me down, sometimes i dont know what the hell is going on with you, but any other time ive ever spent with you has been worth anytime. sometime i want to have a long talk with you about whatever you think about life, and so many things. oh and watch a bunch of good movies. jake, youve hurt me as much if not more as anyone else has in my whole life, but i would not be who i am now if it wasn't for you, given that i have some pretty bad issues, i also wouldn't know half the stuff i know about myself if not for you. despite the end of high school, you are one of my best friends and im going to miss you like hell when you are gone. i'd do anything for you and i have. theres something about you that makes everything come to life. i miss your laugh. kaylin, you are one of my best friends as well, sometimes you make me cry and hate myself but that's just because i am being over sensitive and youre like "why is she being over sensitive" then i get over it and we get along great. im never sure where we should compensate. i love how you love life kaylin, i dont feel rediculous when i want to go on a search for CHEWY gobstoppers with you and we have to go to 3 different convenience stores to find them, we will. you can be tough sometimes, but when you aren't you are the best person hands down to talk to about things, you ALWAYS keep secrets and are really the only one i can one hundred percent confide in. i will be your friend always if you ever need me. i want to come home and see keith too, ian introduced us based purley on our unhealthy obsessions with the same kind of indie bands. i absolutely love this kid, so hilarious, so classic, always makes me feel like a rockstar, always says he loves me and calls me "baby" and shares with me the music that's become so much of my life. im starting to make friends like this here and im so afraid of leaving them. ryan mortenson, i love ryan and have ever since the first day we hung out, he's got the most hilarious sense of humor, he's copied me like 40 cd's or something like that, he listens and laughs at what i say too, he teaches me things about guitars and thinks about me, he's beautiful and my best friend here. i really dont want to leave him... im starting to be friends with matt, we can talk forever. matt understands me and i understand him because of the ways that we are alike, he's my movie and book buddy, he calls me everyday just to see how i am and to say hello and he stops by my work often also to say hello. theres many others that have potential to become great friends that im starting to get to know. i wonder if i should stay and find some nice boy. but im not ready to get married anyway... maybe i'll come back someday if i feeel that its right. as soon as im able to feel things again. whenever that is. coming home isn't all that sad, somehow it feels almost like a funeral sometimes. but it should be like a rebirth, only i dont want my life here to die either. things will get better once im not so tired, im just so tired. i wish i could come back to see all of you graduate, to see you off when you go to bermuda, to hold you before you leave for college, just come back to bend sometime. i'll be there.
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[16 Apr 2005|09:40am] |
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my love for you is so thick you could cut it with a knife. and you do, you do. so im reading everyones lj's and like jesses leaving, jake's leaving, kaylin got an apartment, ashley britney and brett are moving to california, whos going to be my friend when i come home? im not supposed to make my decicions based on other people anyway i suppose. everything was so stable and routine when i left, now everything is changing back home. i should be changing, but im not really anymore. i feel like death. yesterday i went to my first counseling session with adam, he's really nice and very comforting to talk to, i told him some stuff and he seems to be constructive about things instead of just letting me complain about everything. yesterday morning i started out smiling and happy but by the end of the day i felt so crazy and upset and i dont even know why. i just sat in my room for hours playing guitar, i couldn't get a hold of anyone to do anything, maren's fiance is visiting now so everyones busy with wedding stuff, last night i had dreams about bill and ian, i dont even understand why ian and i are still friends really. was it just that summer? we can't let go of it? we grew up together, given our friendship began when i was 16, but nothing has been the same since then and every new experience has happened since that point. im sorry to always call him crying, or to depend on him so much, i guess i feel like i just need him. and i dont really understand the connection that we have. i guess he just feels like home to me. theres so much beauty and so much contradiction with that friendship. i just wonder where we'll be ten years from now. erica sent me this letter with all these pictures and a zine she made with lyrics and pictures and it was one of the best things ive ever gotten from anyone, it made me feel so good. those guys bear and jeff that i met have called me a few times. i guess jeff really likes me alot, which i didn't expect, i dont really know what to feel about that, i can't feel too much these days, except sometimes i just end up curling up in a ball crying over all the stuff i haven't been able to feel lately if that makes sense. i dont take rejection well. people are so shallow. i met this really cool guy and he asked me to hang out with him and he hasn't called in the past couple days, which would be okay except that i over react to things and im paranoid, so today i feel awful and i hope he calls so i dont feel as fat and ugly. the pepsi guy who comes into my work is really cute, it feels like i know him for some reason even though i dont, like we just kind of say hi and stuff like we are farmiliar. i had such a fun night at work the other night. last night i did not. and jeremy kept asking what was wrong. and i dont want to tell jeremy because jeremy has a lot of problems, but he's always so cheerful. its nice to have someone notice and care though. when youre in love with so many people there are so many more opportunities to get hurt, really.
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[11 Apr 2005|01:07pm] |
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garen and i decided not to speak to each other ever again in order to get over some things. we deleted each others numbers as of yesterday. i dont really know how to feel about this. i dont really know how to feel at all anymore. really. actually i dont know if i even can. im completely numb with random spouts of anger or euphoria it seems like. and occasional like 2 day slumps of crying and staring out the window. friday i start counseling. mostly because im a little too numb and i dont know what the hell is going on anymore and im kind of incompetent because of it. nothing seems like a good idea, or a bad idea. it just doesn't occur to me. i think my counselor seems nice on the phone. his name is adam. adam is a nice name. i went to the gateway mall the other day, there was a new hot topic, the guy in there is always there when i come into the other one and he asked me if they'd called me for an interview. i said yeah but i turned it down becasue im working another job and he said they had small part time positions open right now in the morning, handed me an application, and said he'd put in a good word for me. yes! it would be so fun to work there, i could listen to whatever i wanted all day and probably meet some cool kids? maybe? its been hard to find friends that are into good music. friends like keith. keith rocks so much. i love all the rest of you too but yeah. keith rocks. while i was in hot topic this kid comes up to me whos with his friend and he's like "are you from utah?" i said no and he said i didn't seem like it, i had a vibe or something. him and his friend are from L.A. and are here for school, he asks me stuff about myself and i tell him and he keeeps saying stuff like im too much or too perfect and stuff. they seem like cool kids so we exchange numbers and part ways. i see them later on at the same mall and we decide to go to the guitar center. its closed when we get there. his friend is a clepto. basically. everytime we left a store he had new things that i didnt' even notice him take. including a $150 effects pedal. yikes. he did take a candy bar and give it to me though. ive never been able to bring myself to steal in my whole life. and normally i'd feel really bad that he took all those things but i can't really feel that kind of stuff anymore. the kid who didn't steal things we call "bear" and that's basically what he resembles, i dont even know his real name. i met this new guy named kyle who cleans up the fat and organs and stuff off the floor in the surgery area at the hospital for a job. we decided to get together and make soap out of human fat like in fight club except for i hope that he knew that i was really joking, if he shows up on a date with me with a bucket of human fat im going to run away. i asked him how tall he was and he said 6'3 and i said i was 5'11 and he said "cool! you could lick my nipples without bending over!" kyle is amazing. i went to murray to take pictures with my cousin carson, i think they are going to be really cool. i hope. its the first time i felt like doing any kind of art in awhile. ive been doing pilates and i dont know if im firmer or skinnier or whatever but im sore so i guess im getting some muscles. yesterday i went to target to just walk around and look at stuff and i saw paige who used to work at winegars and her friend debbie who has a really deep voice and is really cool. so the 3 of us walked around target and we found some boxers that had crabs printed on them, i wished i had someone to buy them for and that i had money to do it. it was fun times. then i went to billie jo's house and it turns out she lives with this married couple who comes into the store all the time. the husband listens to really good music and he was in a band called Seconds Away who played with rilo kiley once!!!!!! holy crap! billie and i watched aqua teen and the family guy a lot and talked about stuff and they had a little kitten that slept on my lap the whole time, yay! im very tired and i need to start taking some more iron i think.
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[08 Apr 2005|08:55pm] |
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ok i guess garen's not dead. he just lost his cell phone? i hung out with my friend jason from washington whos adorable and really funny although he had this horrendous head cold when we hung out. i went on a date with this kid named eric who drives a jaguar, installs home theatre systems, studies film, is like 6'3, has black hair and blue eyes, dresses really nice and took me out to lunch. perfection? prettymuch, there wasn't a lot of spark really but i had a nice time with him. right now theres a ton of little girls at my house because my aunt maren's having a sleepover with all the girl cousins. they came into the grocery store while i was working with tons of those shopper in training carts. woah. today i got an appointment set up with a counselor, he seems really nice and we got along well on the phone. i told him what i thought i had and such and he seemed to understand why couseling hasn't worked in the past and my trouble with my medication. so i go to that friday, wish me luck. i still dont know what the hell im doing or thinking but oh well. i think lately im just aneimic and need to take some iron or something.
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[08 Apr 2005|01:51pm] |
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garen hasn't talked to me since he left utah for the second time. he said he'd call when he got home, he didn't and hasn't returned any texts or calls for the past few days. i really hope that he actually made it home... i really have no way of knowing either... it slightly worries me but mostly i can't think about all those things or i'll go crazy. i called gabe rosseau the other day, he had some profound impact on my life some time ago and ive missed him since then. i think i can actually fit his wheelchair in my car now, were going to hang out when i go back to bend, i love that kid. kaylin and i have been talking more lately, i love kaylin so much, i really do, the only reason why we have problems sometimes is that kaylin is very upfront and straightforward and always thinks she's right about everything. which is just fine. but i get depressed and clingy and then i start taking it personally then all of a sudden im like "why are you mean" and she's like "why are you being stupid?" so i think when i get back we'll be better friends because im a little more um.. balanced? im ready to move out on my own. i really am. i can't stand living with my elders anymore be it parents or grandparents, i need to figure out what i want to do without someone who has no idea what's going on in my head telling me what's going on in my head. ive learned a lot from them but now its time to put that stuff to use. so who wants to be my roomate when i get back to oregon? i dont have big stipulations as long as you are female, dont smoke pot, dont invite people over who smoke pot, dont invite people who will break stuff or be freeloaders, youre somewhat clean (your own room can look however the hell you want it to) youre responsible ish and i get along with you. im thinking late summer? i dont know for sure. ryan mitchell is a cool kid. he walked 2 blocks barefoot in the rain because he didn't know directions to his own house and i was trying to find it at night. ryan mortenson is cool too, so is his telecaster.
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| fujifilm makes pictures green |
[24 Mar 2005|12:15pm] |
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as of two days ago i was ready to die. not physically, ive only got this life to live and it may suck sometimes but after this its forever of who knows what? like i could accept that i got a strawberry dum dum and it wasn't the best or i could take the mystery one... i choose strawberry. anyway, it was more like i was ready to die inside, to just give up somehow and sink out of this life into some kind of unfeeling robot. when i get depressed, i dont say anything about it, i just start acting weird, and when ive been helpful, cheerful, and excited for awhile then im suddenly staying in bed and being lazy and taking everything personally people just assume im pissed at them, that makes me more depressed then pretty soon i start doing stupid things. item of being stupid- my friend from arizona visiting, me running him around on his errands etc.. watching strange brew, then making out a LOT. honestly what good is that going to do me? none, i dont want to date guys that just want to make out with me, i want a nice boyfriend who is my buddy, then one night we watch some movie or hear some song or see some pretty day that makes us realize we are in love, we hold hands, then have a sweet first kiss, then just be together and have fun and then get married. he sees the big picture and loves me enough to know that if he's with me we have all the time in the world. so anyway, i was stupid and made out with garen the actor.. i cried the whole hour drive back to work and was too upset to go to work so i had to call in sick and go in an hour later than i had planned. another stupid thing was that he left his directions and flight info and his speech on snowboarding in my car, so he drives up to get it at my house and i make him breakfast. he hugs me from behind and thanks me, and is just flirting with me and stuff all morning. my grandma notices but doesn't say anything. so when hes leaving to go back to arizona and not come back for a month, on the lawn we were hugging goodbye and my grandma thought it was too soon to get physical with a boy (she didnt even know we made out) and she started screaming at us, she made me come back inside and she made him leave and said he was a predator and to never come back and that he didnt' have respect for me and that she had a bad feeling about him. she's right, i was indulging in my low self esteem but it was because i was depressed and i just let it go too far because no one understood that. i left and didnt' come back until after work. my parents called her and they talked for a long time and then the next day grandma and i talked. i dont know how to feel, i still feeel like crap but im trying to ignore it. ive lost garen as a friend and i never should have had him as anything more. im working on being good enough for my blue eyed boy, the one that only exists in my poetry. i have to work nights, it sucks and i hate it. time drags on and it leaves me too much time to think about stuff that's going on. i like it when friends visit, but i dont really have any friends right now. the past 2 weeks have been the lowest point in my life, however ive dealt with it better than in the past. i belong in the northwest, when i get married someday we will live in oregon or washington. i know theres a lot of places i haven't been. but i love the northwest. ive lost about 23 pounds since ive been here now, gone down a pants size and a shirt size this week. i have to do a bridal shower for maren tomorrow. i really dont feel like being productive at all lately, ive been reading girl interrupted again which is one of my all time favorite books. if you feel a little crazy, or just think too much, or think about your own mind read that book. she says so many things that just make sense and it makes you feeel a little less crazy because in that book, craziness makes sense, thats helping me to stay sane lately. last night at work some guy bought some candy for 70 cents then handed me twenty bucks and said 'that's for working so hard" i said i couldn't take it like 3 times and yelled for the manager to come over but he had just taken off by that time and wouldn't listen. i feeel guilty about having the money, weird rich people. oh well. i miss ryan mortenson, i love being around him so much, i just wish i hadn't acted to stupid for so long. he honestly amazes me in so many ways. i really miss todd up in oregon too, im not sure why, ive always felt some kind of connection to him, even before we actually talked. which we can do for a long time if we have the opportunity. he said they'd take me back in the band when i returned which is reason enough to come home, i loved playing music with them, it was music that i liked, and we click well as a band. i wish ryan would have me over to make some music again. our schedules dont work well for hanging out together. i haven't seen maren in 4 days and i live with her becuase im asleep when she leaves and she's asleep when i get home. i love kaylin landry, sometimes she can be a bitch but i can be one back if i want to. weve talked a little this week and its been really nice, i came to her about something that meant alot to me and she did the same and it felt good to have that bond again. im sorry to those of you i haven't been calling much lately, i have free nights and weekends now but im so busy and tired with work, i'll call or write soon. ive lost all contact with bill, our connection was lost a long time ago though, we just died inside as friends. everything is so strange to me right now. paul sent me mail, that is one of my favorite things. my family is coming down for the wedding in april. my medication is messing with my head like woah, i just dont care about a lot of things that i should and i just feeel like im zoning out on life, im going to see about how i can fix that. im really not crazy, i really dont have that many problems, i just get sad sometimes, sometimes being crazy is the only way to stay sane. we will all float on. everythings going to be alright, it really is. everythings going to be alright, theres many years ahead to fall in love and its a two sided issue, i just have to be me and stop searching out for someone to complete me or something, i'll just do the things i do best and find someone who does that too and well just join together and be a super awesome team. strange how i feel like being alone so much but im also lonely. im going to quit anylizing things. my hair is very blonde now, heres some pictures of some stuff that's been happening. thanks for reading.
my hair is so blonde.
maren and soon to be- uncle tosh
cameron <3 my cousin, he does shakespeare plays
maren and i going to hang with uncle brian, our lawn.
garen and i before he got the boot.
dancing in the rain. my heart is so not in this.
ive gotten a lot better because i have nothing else to do.
carson lives by rich computer people so they give him stuff and he makes computers. complicated... a bit understandable though.
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[16 Mar 2005|12:16pm] |
this kid tyler was bagging groceries for me at the checkstand for like 5 customers in a row then he helped one of them out to the parking lot. in the meanwhile some guy whos like 25 comes in and starts making conversation with me while im ringing his stuff up.
....
me: yeah my bagger went out to the parking lot to help someone"
him: "your own PERSONAL bagger?
me: um... yeah, he's mine.
him: ohhh... so do you like take him home at night?
me: no, maybe someday though (me trying to be friendly and joke along with the customer)
him: ah, take him home and do some home bagging eh?
ohhhh crap.
also the sliding doors kept opening and closing so rachel yells "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT DOOR???" and then in comes one of those huge orange carts that look like cars with this mom and her kids (i hate those things with a passion) whoops... they are huge, moms fill them with kids then when you bag the groceries theres no room to put them in there without squashing a 3 year old and the baskets are small. i only eat brown rice, fruit, and salads now. still at 20 lbs lost. i have a new cell phone number for those of you who dont know it please email me or something like that and i'll give that to ya. i have free long distance after 9 and on weekends etc.. and you can text message me. sweet. im planning on coming back to bend for the summer and making lots more money than i was making here and getting an apartment and moving all my crap out of my house there. not 100 percent sure, but that looks like the idea right now. since i dont want to live with my grandparents for too much longer and i dont want to live at home either. i get my paycheck today, i also get to give most of it away right off the bat for my rent, and my hair beautification project. which i still haven't decided on yet but need to by saturday, i think im going to go blonde on top with red underneath then if i dont like it go back to black, but like everyone has that now. so i think i'll do the red and blonde. maybe then i'll be more like jenny lewis. she needs to be my best friend, she's the most amazing woman on the face of the earth, well besides deanna. keith you had better marry jenny, then convince her to get blake to date me. i fit into some new pants that were smaller yay! im going to get counseling again, i love you all.
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[13 Mar 2005|07:55pm] |
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i just bought myself a new cell phone. because the other plan sucked. so now you guys will be able to text me and have me actually get it, call me at night and have it be free for me to call you right back, and weekends etc etc. its better. i got a flip phone and im not sure if i'll like it or not but it seems cool plus the face wont get all scratched and the buttons all weird and stuff now. so since my life was reduced to crap the other day im building from that, with a slight resentment for this last week. actually a big resentment, just not one im letting stop my progress. im sticking this out and not giving up the fight for awhile still, plans are to be back in june/july sometime and then get an apartment somewhere with someone cool and keith and i will have hipster parties and i'll make him fancy dinners by candlelight. you too if you are a good friend and you call me on my new cell phone. i'll have the phone number in like 4 days becuase i ordered it online to get a fatty discount. i had a baked potato today, it was amazing. now its time to lose more weight though. right now im at 20 down. someone communicate with me and let me know what youre up to. give me your address and i'll mail you stuff.
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| uh oh |
[09 Mar 2005|10:02am] |
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i was supposed to be the one to hurt you... i was supposed to be the one who hurt you... it was never meant to be this way. what the hell am i doing? im in lust with you...
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| you remind me of home |
[07 Mar 2005|08:50pm] |
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last night i called keith and played him rilo kiley songs on the keyboard. one of the best 35 minutes i ever spent on the phone. i also got to talk to eric online and to paul on the phone (finally) paul loves me!!!. i also got to talk to bill online which sucked because of the way the conversation went. today is his birthday. happy birthday bill, i love you. i left a message with your grandma this morning. call me but only if youre not to busy too, love me only if you want to. but if you don't then it will be lonely without one of my closest dearest friends to share my day with every night when i come home. i always want to listen. working working working. i just work. work at the grocery store, i stare into lazers and scan stuff across lazers. lazers are supposed to be more rad than that. some of my favorite customers came in today and some old ladies said i was really pretty. maren gave me some hi chew, the best japanese candy ever, oh wait the best candy ever period. yum! me: "hummus!" eric "you mean yummus!" yay. i saw this guy at rite aid today that looked like tym and it was weird. eric and i want to drive to new york, im not sure if that will work or if its the best plan but we want to anyway and its nice to dream about? i'll end up going there sometime though. friends! and boston too. friend! people in my house are frustrated right now about the wedding and work and everything, it sucks, im just trying to hide out on the computer, i played with drum effects on my keyboard for about an hour also. i want maren to have a really good wedding, i know her and tosh care more about just being married than the ceremony and stuff but i want her to have something beautiful, im sorry theres so much stress and so little money. the city is living proof that people need to be together. colter should call me to hang out before 10pm and ryan should just call me period. i just go to work then come home and i dont feel like doing anything or seeing anyone, when i do feel like seeing someone its usually ryan. he's always so busy with stuff though. the only thing ive felt like eating for the past 3 days is gluten free pancakes. let me leave you with this and some thing paul filled out that im re-filling out.
( layers )
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[03 Mar 2005|10:55am] |
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mood |
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i can't believe all the stupid crap that worried me everyday in oregon. given i dont have long term friendships here and things like that to deal with, there really wasn't anything being accomplished in bend. if i was there now i'd probably be worrying about what someone thought of me and trying to find out what was being said about me behind my back or listening to someone else talk about someone behind their back. i miss the good times, but i just can't believe the stupid stuff that seemed so important awhile back. its not even as much about me getting out for awhile, even just since high school. a lot of things piss me off here but i just deal with them and say it like it is instead of quietly boiling inside and then exploding over and over. i wonder how things will be when i come back to oregon, in my mind. im 99 percent positive everything is going to be exactly the same as when i left with all my friends. but i'll probably see it differently given some new outlooks on life. i cant wait to get off this stupid medication, its helped me immensely but now im prettymuch stable and it just makes me tired and unfeeling. i need to just take energy/mood herbal stuff now probably so i feel like giving a crap, but i think i could handle my job and stuff without a lot of anxiety now. theres no way in hell i would have been able to do what im doing now without medication. i need to stop caring what people think is right for me when it doesn't really concern me. just them and what they want for themselves. i got my first paycheck yesterday, i started partway through the pay period so it wasn't as big as i would have liked but its enough to buy my rent, toothpaste, and gasoline so im good. i make above minimum wage and i still make less than i would have made in oregon. but our economy and such is better here. its not so much about the money as it is that i needed to prove something to myself. heres a picture.
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